From wiggles to restfulness with the use of a timer

I had meant this post to lay out five bedtime strategies. I shortly realized that this would be too much for one post so I have chosen to break them up starting with the most important one first. Setting a timer creates the framework for the final element of the bedtime routine.

In an earlier post I had briefly mentioned the use of a timer to help facilitate the two goals of the bedtime routine. The first goal is to create a structure that guarantees sacred time for one on one connection to our children. The second goal is to create an opportunity within that structure for our children to increase their tolerance for, and even enjoy, time being alone.

Attachment research would suggest that as children we can learn to self-regulate our emotions by using the blueprints that were created through co-regulation with our primary care giver.

Every time we are able to see into our child’s emotional world, accurately interpret their inner experience and respond to it with what they need to be soothed we create a blue print that they can use in the future to self-regulate their emotions. So if our goal is for our children to be able to self-regulate and enjoy being alone at night we need to help them build the neural networks to do so and give them opportunities to practice. One way to do this is through the use of a timer.

Early on if your children start to display protest or dysregulation when you leave the room at their bedtime I encourage you to try this simple technique. Set a timer with an alarm for five minutes. Let your child know that during this time you will lay with them in their bed (let’s call this “together time” for the sake of this post, and when the alarm goes off you will set the timer again, this time you will leave the room and return upon the alarm sounding this second time. Repeating the process until your child is asleep. The time between together times continues to increase until you find a good fit for you and your child.

Here is an example. Week one you may start with five minutes together and then three minutes apart. Week two you stretch it to five minutes together and five minutes apart. Week three is five minutes together and ten minutes apart.

Remember, you are not setting up a timed schedule that you plan to keep forever. The hope is that when you have created a time, space and language to attach (together time) then the time between can increase because it is more easily tolerated. Deeper connection creates security which develops into greater tolerance for being alone. Basically you have created trust in your children that you love them, you will not forget them and will be back to show them that in five, ten, twenty or thirty minutes.

Our children’s tolerance for the space between visits will increase with their trust. However, it is important to remember that we all have days where we need more support from our attachment figures. Just because your child has increased their tolerance to twenty minutes between the together times doesn’t mean they won’t have days where they will need to go back to five minutes. I encourage you to meet this increased need with increased flexibility and then it is likely to pass more quickly and go back to what it was. However, if we meet the increased demand with rigidity we are likely to injure their trust and create more work for ourselves in the way of repair.

When I initially began using this technique our children were too young to understand time and that’s why we started with short segments to solidify trust within the consistent pattern. After a few days of five minutes together two minutes apart I was able to increase to five together and three apart and then five together and five apart. Eventually we worked up to five minutes together and twenty minutes apart. The funny thing was, they were almost always asleep by the third time I came in for our together time. The timer gave us a structure to set aside as sacred the most important ingredient of the night time routine (one on one connection) and it only required ten minutes of direct contact. It became too short! Many times I needed more time to truly be able to connect with them and so would need to work that time into the earlier stages of our night time ritual.

Setting a timer is a great way to create a predictable routine for our children. After just a short transition period they are likely to embrace the routine both in mind and body. The routine itself, when practiced consistently, will begin to signal to the body that it is time to downshift and get ready for sleep. The most important part of the routine will be how you connect with them during each five minute slot you have together (or whatever amount of time you choose). Although this structure helps our children know what to expect it is not meant to be rigidly administered. Hold onto the structure enough to give them security. My hope is that within that structure you would make the connection time authentically yours. Be creative and connect with your children in a way that best fits them and you. As long as you are present with yourself and present with your child you will develop the attunement needed to create secure attachment. Within secure attachment your child will increase not only their tolerance of being alone, but also their ability to know and be known by others.

How awesome is that? Setting aside some time to connect with our children each night can help them to develop the blueprints needed to experience deep meaningful relationships the rest of their lives!

In the posts that follow I will introduce four strategies for ways to connect with your child during these together times.